Did Pollyanna Die?

I’ve lost my motivational mojo.

I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get my weight loss bearings only to realize that even if I get my bearings, I don’t know where to go. My funk is so bad that the only way I’ve realized there is a problem is that I’ve started hiding again.

When I was my heaviest, it was easy to allow myself to shift into the background. It's funny how no one sees the nearly 300 pound woman in the room. No one tried to talk to me and most of the time, I was fine with that. I didn't really worry about how I looked or how I dressed because to be honest, the tents I costumed myself in did little to make me feel better about myself.

That Maghan is not the real Maghan.

I love talking to people. Conversations with strangers are sometimes the most interesting. And I'd come to love shopping. Now that I could actually find cute outfits, it was fun to try stuff on. Running and biking are awesome and bred euphoria. But the mojo left me and the funk reigned supreme.

I've gone out of my way to avoid interaction with others besides the people I most love. And even then, I probably haven't been the most pleasant.

I went shopping last week. I even had specific needs for clothing but didn’t try on a single item. Not one. Why? Because I was afraid of the truth the tag would tell.

I haven’t run or ridden my bike for weeks. And it’s not just because I’ve been sick, I haven’t wanted to sicken others with my grotesque-ness.

And that little insight is where I’m going to start. I feel like that statement says everything. Grotesque. While I know that isn’t the case, I feel like my self-esteem and even my self worth has been tarnished.

There was a time that I felt like a beautiful bad ass. I was in control of my life and my weight loss. Others recognized my achievements and I felt like I was finally within reach of my goals.

That was then.

Now, I don’t feel beautiful in ANYTHING in my closet. (Even though my boyfriend assures me otherwise.) And my world feels completely out of control. The goals that I’d achieved are now gone and the others I’d set no longer feel right. It seems like this runaway train started coming apart with the 20 pounds I regained and my brain has aligned that disheartening event with the more recent demise of my career. (“Would this have happened”, my brain keeps asking, “if I were still a size 12?”)

The one thing I do know is this self-loathing and self-flagellation HAS to stop. TODAY.

I cannot change the past. I cannot erase the wrongs that I have done anymore than I can erase the wrongs that have been committed against me. If I am to believe the people who really do love me, I am still a smart beautiful woman and I am worthy of the self respect I once had.

I found this quote and I feel like it fits my current situation perfectly:

Learn from the past
Set vivid detailed goals for the future
Live in the only moment of time you can control: NOW. 

This week, I’ve been striving to learn from the past. There have been a few simple things that have held a lot of truth for me. Foremost, I had to let go of my previous Pollyanna like outlook on life. For those of you who have no idea what I mean by Pollyanna outlook, Pollyanna was a novel (and subsequent Disney movie) about a little girl who in spite of a sad background had an optimistically sunny outlook on life and was determined to see the positive in every situation. I can't live like that anymore. Sometimes you just can't be positive about certain situations. Sad as it is, not everyone who professes to be a friend, actually is one. At the same time, I'm also learning not to sell myself short. To hold true to my own truths. I am more than my job. I love and am loved in return. I can do anything I set my mind to.

With this knowledge I think I can move onto setting my goals for the future. (Which I’ll discuss next week.)

The great grocery gathering

I apologize for not having a blog post last week, I've been really sick and am only now beginning to feel like joining the land of the living. Anyway....

As ya'll know from my previous posts, it's been difficult to get my behind in a grocery store. Since moving to Sugar Land, I just hadn't been able to find a grocery store that I enjoyed navigating or that carried all of my favorite foods. For that matter, I hadn't been able to find one that wouldn't leave me with only dust bunnies in my wallet. So it may not be a surprise to you that this morning my fridge looked like this:

Clearly I wasn't in the best position to make any kind of healthy or plan friendly meal. 

On Saturday there was a flier in my mailbox announcing the grand opening of a big new HEB close to my house. I *warm big puffy heart* HEB. :) Naturally, I was excited. The grand opening was yesterday and I tried swinging by there. It seemed like every Sugarlander had the same idea/ People were trying to park in the street and the loading zone in the back of the store. I was so not feeling being packed into a store full of people dying for a good sale. I decided to wait until today.

It was still pretty busy but not any more so than any other HEB I've ever been to on a regular day. Me and my reusable bags found a not too distant park and went in. I was trying to get my fliers out of my purse when who should come greet me but Hugh Sintic, the Unit Director. You may be asking yourself, "how does she know who this guy is?" Well friends, the guy's picture is on the flier they mailed out and yes, I felt slightly like I was meeting a celebrity. Hugh gave me a copy of the store's floor plan:

Every WWer's BFF

Then he welcomed me to the store and we chatted briefly about what my needs were in a grocery store. (I was amazed that he'd even care what my grocery store needs would be. HEB is truly an awesome store!) After a handshake, I was on my way. There were many helpful HEB partners littered throughout the store and I found myself really enjoying the experience in spite of still feeling under the weather. I even found a few things that intrigued me. And as Kimberly, (meeting leader extraordinaire) always says, "Don't be afraid to try something new!"

Rambutan: Doesn't even look edible, does it?

Cross sectioned

You take it out of the spindly shell and eat it, whole, seed and all. The flesh tastes like the middle of a grape and the seed is almond-like but not quite as hard. Actually pretty tasty, $7.99 per pound, this little guy was .08 pounds and 64 cents. Not the best buy, but hey I tried something new. :)

I continued on. More Almond milk was numero uno on my list, so I went to the milk aisle. Turns out, HEB has come out with their own brand of almond milk. Conveniently at eye level, it was 50 cents cheaper than the Almond Breeze that was on sale. So I got some of their brand to compare with the stuff I was almost out of at home. (Neglected to look at my Kroger flier, Almond Breeze is 1.99 there if you buy @ least 10 of their promotional items. That was a 50 cent loss. I'm not sure if I would have actually gotten 10 of their promo items though.) I don't know if they were actually supposed to but, they matched the price Kroger listed for the Skinny Cow Dreamy Clusters. $1.49 savings :) 

Here's the most amazing thing about the whole trip, EVERY SINGLE CHECKOUT WAS OPEN! I didn't have to wait at all to check out and the cashier, Laura was really helpful.

I ended up buying 40 items. My total before coupons was $99.16. (including the match price on the Clusters).

Once all my coupons were utilized, I spent $85.19. Pretty amazing if I do say so myself. 

This is what my fridge looks like now:

I also got all this:

 Overall, I think I did a really good job. I'm excited to be able to take better care of myself and a fully stocked fridge goes a long way. Plus I'm gonna love cooking for Trevor (my boyfriend) and myself.

I hope that I get rid of this stupid cold/allergies/whatever soon because with my new schedule, I'm dying to ride my bike and run more often. Who knows, I might even find a meeting I love. It's gonna be a good week. :)